I just pynch a tree in the face
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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