using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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