if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
