i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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