please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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