Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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