I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
