1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
