just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
