She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
