The brown eye won't let me do that either.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
