My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
