ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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