She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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