I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
