Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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