thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
