my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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