how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
