I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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