i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
