if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
and she was petting her beer can
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
