I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
