I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
