I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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