Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
