If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
