After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
