Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
