we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Who died my cat blue again?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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