There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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