what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
