I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
