i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
