I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
