I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
