I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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