I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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