you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
