look no pants
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
