I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You were trust falling into bushes
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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