yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
