ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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