I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
17 People Who Prepared For Spring Break The Right Way
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.