you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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