look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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