If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
