So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
