I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
