When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
