My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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