I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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