I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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