What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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