Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
