In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
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Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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