My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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