I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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